had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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