I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
