Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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