just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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