its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
