yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
