2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
