He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
