tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
