My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize