Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
