Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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