my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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