That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
