Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
