Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
