he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
