I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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