If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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