u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I party with great urgency now.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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