I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize