You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
