A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
