I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
