I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
