my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
