The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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