Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize