so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
