I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
