Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
