FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
did i walk over a car last night?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
