guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Randomize
