Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
