and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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