I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
People with herpes should wear stickers.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Someone stole a lamp last night.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
