I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
