the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Randomize
