I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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