this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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