god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
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