hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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