Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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