Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
