I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
