I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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