i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
