i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
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