Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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