Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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