Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
