I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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