somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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