I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
