I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
