I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
