careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
