it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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